Peter Sellers fan, but as someone who feels strongly that if it wasn't broken, who the heck asked you to fix it? My suggestion to Hollywood, for what it's worth, is steer clear of remakes -- don't touch them with a 300 foot barge pole with Tony Scott riding atop. Then again, you might as well go all the way and shoot these remade horrors on duct tape, given the standard of the average script these days -- 80-page pieces of crap that seem cobbled together only to pull $12.50 out of those fool enough to go see them. Considering that the majority of current audiences have never even heard of the original movie, it's stealing formula from a baby. I have suggested that my kids accept no one other than Sellars as the Pink Panther and having sat through the abysmal Paul Blart recently (I was hog-tied to my seat, honestly!) I can only lament a lack of decent scripts and the fact that we wouldn't know a real dramatic arc if we saw it in a movie theater. A whole pipeline of remade fodder will soon muddy the big screens and join those already sacrificed to the altar of Mammon, such as Bewitched, To Catch a Thief, Rear Window, The Manchurian Candidate, The Poseidon Adventure, and Sabrina, with these on their way: The Taking of Pelham 123, The Birds, Straw Dogs, Westworld, Fame, The Witches, and The Dirty Dozen, to name just a few. We have truly hit the age of mediocrity, with nary an original thought in our profit-obsessed minds because it's way easier to dig back into the archives and take something that was unique and successful and do it over instead of producing something truly pioneering, fresh, and creative. I wonder what's next? Citizen Kane with Kiefer Sutherland? Casablanca with Joaquim Phoenix, rapping on the tarmac to Hilary Duff? Or possibly a darker, non-musical version of The Wizard of Oz, with Miley Cyrus as Dotty, haunted by a vapid character known as Hannah Montana, wishing that the bright lights would dim and that she could just go home and be a real kid again. Whatever it is, whichever classic Hollywood plans to lay its grubby, untalented paws on next, know one thing for sure -- nothing's safe and unfortunately, nothing's sacred. Now that was one great movie. Remake anyone?
Monday, February 2, 2009
Stealing from the Past
I wept through a preview of Steve Martin as The Pink Panther, offering the fake French accent and stupid pratfalls, and I can't begin to articulate my complete revulsion at the sight, not only as an avid 
Peter Sellers fan, but as someone who feels strongly that if it wasn't broken, who the heck asked you to fix it? My suggestion to Hollywood, for what it's worth, is steer clear of remakes -- don't touch them with a 300 foot barge pole with Tony Scott riding atop. Then again, you might as well go all the way and shoot these remade horrors on duct tape, given the standard of the average script these days -- 80-page pieces of crap that seem cobbled together only to pull $12.50 out of those fool enough to go see them. Considering that the majority of current audiences have never even heard of the original movie, it's stealing formula from a baby. I have suggested that my kids accept no one other than Sellars as the Pink Panther and having sat through the abysmal Paul Blart recently (I was hog-tied to my seat, honestly!) I can only lament a lack of decent scripts and the fact that we wouldn't know a real dramatic arc if we saw it in a movie theater. A whole pipeline of remade fodder will soon muddy the big screens and join those already sacrificed to the altar of Mammon, such as Bewitched, To Catch a Thief, Rear Window, The Manchurian Candidate, The Poseidon Adventure, and Sabrina, with these on their way: The Taking of Pelham 123, The Birds, Straw Dogs, Westworld, Fame, The Witches, and The Dirty Dozen, to name just a few. We have truly hit the age of mediocrity, with nary an original thought in our profit-obsessed minds because it's way easier to dig back into the archives and take something that was unique and successful and do it over instead of producing something truly pioneering, fresh, and creative. I wonder what's next? Citizen Kane with Kiefer Sutherland? Casablanca with Joaquim Phoenix, rapping on the tarmac to Hilary Duff? Or possibly a darker, non-musical version of The Wizard of Oz, with Miley Cyrus as Dotty, haunted by a vapid character known as Hannah Montana, wishing that the bright lights would dim and that she could just go home and be a real kid again. Whatever it is, whichever classic Hollywood plans to lay its grubby, untalented paws on next, know one thing for sure -- nothing's safe and unfortunately, nothing's sacred. Now that was one great movie. Remake anyone?
Peter Sellers fan, but as someone who feels strongly that if it wasn't broken, who the heck asked you to fix it? My suggestion to Hollywood, for what it's worth, is steer clear of remakes -- don't touch them with a 300 foot barge pole with Tony Scott riding atop. Then again, you might as well go all the way and shoot these remade horrors on duct tape, given the standard of the average script these days -- 80-page pieces of crap that seem cobbled together only to pull $12.50 out of those fool enough to go see them. Considering that the majority of current audiences have never even heard of the original movie, it's stealing formula from a baby. I have suggested that my kids accept no one other than Sellars as the Pink Panther and having sat through the abysmal Paul Blart recently (I was hog-tied to my seat, honestly!) I can only lament a lack of decent scripts and the fact that we wouldn't know a real dramatic arc if we saw it in a movie theater. A whole pipeline of remade fodder will soon muddy the big screens and join those already sacrificed to the altar of Mammon, such as Bewitched, To Catch a Thief, Rear Window, The Manchurian Candidate, The Poseidon Adventure, and Sabrina, with these on their way: The Taking of Pelham 123, The Birds, Straw Dogs, Westworld, Fame, The Witches, and The Dirty Dozen, to name just a few. We have truly hit the age of mediocrity, with nary an original thought in our profit-obsessed minds because it's way easier to dig back into the archives and take something that was unique and successful and do it over instead of producing something truly pioneering, fresh, and creative. I wonder what's next? Citizen Kane with Kiefer Sutherland? Casablanca with Joaquim Phoenix, rapping on the tarmac to Hilary Duff? Or possibly a darker, non-musical version of The Wizard of Oz, with Miley Cyrus as Dotty, haunted by a vapid character known as Hannah Montana, wishing that the bright lights would dim and that she could just go home and be a real kid again. Whatever it is, whichever classic Hollywood plans to lay its grubby, untalented paws on next, know one thing for sure -- nothing's safe and unfortunately, nothing's sacred. Now that was one great movie. Remake anyone?
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